I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
