I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
