**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
