Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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