i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
