the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
