Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
