you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize