i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
