I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
