I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I licked your asshole in confidence.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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