Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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