We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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