I'm lost and stupid without you.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
