also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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