I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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