im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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