I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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