Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
