I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Randomize
