There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
