so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I am full of burrito and curiosity
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
