I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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