my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
