i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
