Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
apparently the secret to your success is patron
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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