Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
