happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
you're hired as official boob wrangler
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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