They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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