Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
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