He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
