I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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