my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
