my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
