The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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