Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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