Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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