Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
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