Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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