I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
