i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
