operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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