I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I could make wine with my vomit
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
