No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
