Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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