the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
