So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
