remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
