I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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