I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
