you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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