new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize