Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize