I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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