Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
