I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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