the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it's like iHOP with fire
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
